Scary Places And The Monsters That Haunt Them

You know what I hate?

People that try to raise awareness of things. Just in general. Because I just don't care. Unless something falls within my immediate perception, it means virtually nothing to me. Less than nothing if I think the chances of it ever falling into my perception are less than 20%.

What is it that Nate doesn't like to be made aware of?

Oh, you know. Starving children, mistreated animals, civil wars in countries I don't know the names of, natural disasters and those that are suffering due to them...Shit like that. I don't fucking care.

People have always been and will always be starving in parts of the world. There are people living here in North America that starve to death, and freeze in the cold because they don't have shelter and food. I doubt it would cost much to create group shelters for them and give them enough food to survive on. It'd probably cost less to do that than to feed people that don't even live in our country. In fact, the government should be doing that, so even THEN people shouldn't be raising my awareness of starving hobos. And yes, I do care slightly more about people in our country that are dying because there's a greater chance of them falling into my sphere of awareness. That's the imaginary sphere my perceptions form around me at all times. Except when I'm sleeping! But the people in the third world countries that are apparently in such dire need of help will not, at any point, fall into said sphere.

In fact, if we do feed them, they will grow more reliant of us and require more and more from us. I say we cut them off now and let them deal with their own problems.

I don't mean to sound cruel here, but we've got matters FAR more pressing than people we're never going to meet that are going hungry in places we're never going to visit.

Also I don't care about abused pets. And I know, that one really does sound terrible, and I do love pets. I do. But what the fuck are you going to do to stop people from fucking up their pets? Honestly? What the fuck do they intend to do? I'd make fun of it by coming up with some ridiculous way to do it, but I can't even think of a fake one, let alone a realistic, plausible way for them to rescue these pets. And you know what? If they DID rescue all the pets, they'd stop getting funding 'cause they wouldn't have any abused pets to make us feel sorry for in their commercials.

And there are even celebrities trying to warn us about human rights abuse in other countries. I don't care about that either. Again, we've got shit like that happening here that we're not properly dealing with, who the fuck cares about it happening halfway across the fucking world?

Not Nate!

And people that suffer from natural disasters. Hurricane Katrina, I didn't give a shit about. People were not impressed when I didn't want to donate money to the crappy high school charity of the week thing that was raising money for it. But I won't lie, I didn't give a shit.

Pick where you live a little more carefully next time. You're not going to see ME settling near an ocean. Shit no. I'm not going near oceans, mountains, or particularly large lakes. And I won't move into a valley that's completely isolated.

Because I'm scared of everything. And maybe people would be a little more safe if THEY TOO were afraid of everything.

You shouldn't live near an ocean because of hurricanes, and the possibility that the water level will rise through some means ASIDE from global warming, because if we all remember correctly, global warming is bullshit.

ALSO sea monsters. Sea monsters are a definite possibility. Or land monsters that can TRAVEL by sea. Such as Godzilla. Or just generic sea beasts like Krakens, Giant Squids, Mermen with vendettas against us landwalkers. Also skeletal pirates that sunk to the bottom of the sea and have spent countless years roaming the seabed in search of dry land where they will begin to pillage and slaughter once more.

That's also why I won't live on and island. To be isolated from everywhere else? Where the fuck do you go when the dead start to rise and eat the living? Just hop on a boat and drive out into the water? You're gonna run out of food pretty quickly with that approach. And that just leaves you WIDE open for the kraken. Idiots.

I won't live too close to mountains because I fear that they might topple over on me, perhaps hit with some kind of incredibly powerful missile or rocket, or simply an energy blast shot from the hand of a spirit warrior. OR the mountains themselves might awaken, to reveal themselves to be naught but a pile of giant earth elementals, who when woken might decide to remove the land of the human plight. OR there could be a giant beast, such as a dragon, dwelling within the mountain itself. OR an incredibly long and intricately complex series of tunnels and caves within the mountain could contain any number of mountain dwelling beast. Goblins, mentally retarded and insanely disfigured inbred rednecks, Magog, or perhaps a race of strange insect creatures we've yet to uncover.

I won't live near a large lake because of similar reasons to the ocean, but here I'm more worried about a portal to hell being opened beneath the lake and all forms of demonic creatures might begin to pour onto the land. Also, perhaps Nessie is not so gentle as she seems. Mayhap she and her kind will decide to remove us from their presence for polluting their waters and skinny-dipping in their lakes! Woe!

And there is no way in HELL I'm ever moving into an isolated valley. I mean, have you people ever even SEEN Tremors? Picture that, but with ANY NUMBER OF HORRIBLE MONSTERS. Zombies, aliens, Nazis, overweight women, people with speech impediments, giant mutant rats, molemen, THE LIST JUST GOES ON, PEOPLE.

Also you're gonna want to avoid anywhere with a nuclear power station. Hello? Nuclear zombies! RADIO-FUCKIN'-ACTIVE.

And while we're avoiding places, steer clear of anywhere that has a large hole in the ground. I don't care what the fuck it is. I don't care if it's the grand fucking canyon. Stay the fuck away from them! Holes make it EVEN EASIER for the demons to break through from hell, not to mention the molemen and the Subterranean Nazis! For those of you that are stupid, that last one was UNDERGROUND NAZIS. Fuck man.

Oh, and don't live anywhere where it's snowing all year round. Because then there's snow monsters, Yetis and the like. Plus Polar Bears, man's deadliest foe. Take a normal bear. Deadly, no? OF COURSE HE'S DEADLY. Now give him complete master over the elements of cold. The only thing more deadly than them are Fire Bears. Or maybe NecroBears. TechnoBears are pretty freaky too though, but luckily they won't come to exist for another hundred and thirteen years.

I mostly forget what I started this post to bitch about, but these are the places you should not live. If you live in one of the places I've mentioned, then get the fuck out. Now. Run. Leave your worldly possessions behind AND ESCAPE WITH YOUR LIVES! RUN! RUN!

Until next time,
I should clearly write documentaries.
~Kataron

Erotic Conjurings

You know folks, I've had people ask me this question before.

"Nate, what is wrong with you?"

And today I've decided to take the time and answer that question.

To put it simply, nothing. Nothing is wrong with me. I am perfect. I am the essence of perfection. It is the inferior beings, the unwashed masses, the people with names like "Lyle" of the world that are the flawed ones!

I am perfection. I AM TRIDENT!

I've said that before, and I shall surely say it again before I die, hopefully the first victim of a mysterious illness that takes out most of the world's population and turns them into monsters. I'd be Patient Zero. People would hunt me in an effort to find the cure.

But they would be unsuccessful!

For even in death, I shall be perfection.

I never liked Galadriel. She always seemed too damn stuck-up for me.

Her and the rest of her filthy race.

Fuck the Elves, man. Fuck 'em.

Pointy-eared pricks. ooo, we're immortal, blah blah FUCKIN' BLAH. FUCK YOU.

God dammit they're so fucking full of themselves. I'LL SHOW THEM.

I, Nate Morse, do hereby declare a genocide against the Elven race!

Maybe I'll leave the Dark Elves out of that 'cause they seem okay enough. And the Half-Elves, you are now officially ON NOTICE. So you'd better fucking watch out. I'm out for blood. Or something. I dunno. I'm tired. And bored. So very bored.

Yeah. I'm pretty much gonna do one last quest in Mordor and then go sleep.

Okay, that's two quest pieces out of three. The last one will be tricky to get though. I have to go to a place which I quite despite. Laketown. You might remember it from The Hobbit.

I hate it so. I hate every facet of its being. I hate the boathouse. I hate the inn. I hate it so very much. And I hate their goddamn diseased rats that attack me on sight DESPITE THE FACT THAT I AM FUCKING INVISIBLE. THAT MEANS THEY SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO SEE ME.

FUCK RATS.

*ahem*

Ummm...Yeah. My quest is done, so I'm gonna crash now. Or in a little bit. Might kill a few more rats first. Yeah, I'm 86% of the way to another mage level, might as well grab that before slumber. But I can get that done whenever the stupid demon gets around to healing me. Fucking demon.

There we go. One more rat should do.

Yay, new mage level. That puts me at 78 mage levels. Only twenty-two to go to max that shit out. Then it should get a lot easier to level up, considering training in...say, cleric, that takes roughly a sixth of the experience that training in mage does, because I'm only at level 22 in being a cleric. Yeah...Anyways, the point is, as soon as I can afford it, I learn iceshield and frost breath, two VERY useful spells, and in two MORE levels, I get lightning breath and shockshield. Seven levels from now I get the ridiculously useful "pass door" spell, which will ensure that I never have to fight irritating guards for keys ever again. In eleven levels I get gas breath, which I never really used. And when I hit level 99, I get fire breath and mind drain, two more skills I never really used.

I've got another character that's currently at 99 in mage levels, so I'm pretty proficient with most of these spells. But I'm sounding more and more pathetic as this continues, so I'm actually going to sleep now.

Until next time,
I escaped from a battle with 5/728 health.
~Kataron

Vibrant Belonging

Okay, I'm just gonna go ahead and say this.

Gamers all over the world need to chill the fuck out.

First stupid McDouchebag mentioned a few blog posts ago with his "Sexbox race for president" bullshit, and now Cooper Lawrence, who had this to say on Fox News:

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Both have come forward and apologized (LinkLinkLinkLink) about what she said about the game, but we all all know that she wouldn't have given her criticism a second thought if not for the intense torrents of rage being blasted at her from gamers all around the world.

Did anybody know who the fuck this bitch was BEFORE this story?

Of course not.

But do we know who she is now that she's insulted something we love?

Yeah, I guess we do.

And I for one don't fucking WANT to know what some stupid bitch said on Fox News. It's Fox Fucking News, people. Nobody gives a flying fuck what they say anyway. They're sensationalists and retards. Who the fuck even WATCHES Fox News? Pretty much only retarded Americans that can't stomach their news without a strong side of idiotic bias.

They fucking KNOW that they're gonna piss us off. Retardo DoucheFag proved that earlier when he lashed out against us earlier and his hits shot straight up BECAUSE OF US.

People have always said unpleasant things about our beloved past time of gaming, but now I say to you that we have the power to ignore it. Let's not give the Cooper Lawrences and Slanderous Fucktards (Yeah, I can't remember the other guy's name at this point, so I'm just calling him various insults instead. I figure it'll get across.) our attention.

We're powerful enough to force them into remission and MAKE them apologize to us, but why do we care in the first place? It's not the first time a game has been misrepresented, and it will certainly not be the last time.

So stop giving power to the n00bs, and just chill out, Gamers At Large.

If you REALLY feel the need to do something, don't do it on a public forum. Just...Shit in a bag, and light it on fire on their doorstep. And while you're at it, give Jack Thompson a bag of flaming shit too. I'm sure he's missing being in the spotlight. Let's give him something to cheer him up.

Or if you really must have your vengeance, assassinate them. You know, whatever floats your boat. But don't leave anything that indicates the assassination is done by gamers. 'cause...You know, then people would think that the dead person was on to something when they were killed. Leave a note that says "Fucking lousy tipper" and sign it The Paperboy. It's the perfect crime.

That said, fuck them, fuck Fox News, and fuck Jack Thompson for old time's sake.

Until next time,
Yeah, I'm just killing time between quests in Mordor right now. I'm one quest point behind Jared. Not for long!
~Kataron

Dark Blue

HEY THERE FOLKS.

It's two thirty in the am, and Jared and I are...Playing Mordor, sadly enough. Yes, we've fallen back into the text-based world that was the scourge of our social life for so long. Are we hooked already again? Maybe. But for the record, he was always the worst offender.

He's the tank, I'm the mage, together, we're kickin' ass and taking names. Well, moreso right now he's getting his ass handed to him and I'm trying to help, but the bitches we're fighting are magic resistant, so I can't really get much done. Jared was already level ten when I joined, but I showed him up by pulling out Kataron, who was already level fifteen. Good old Kat. They got rid of whatever the fuck his old race was though,s o I needed to pick a new one.

Kataron, the Dark Elf! The Dark Elf MAGE. Magic fuckin' powers and shit, man. Magic fuckin' powers. And shit.

I just killed a Dwarven guard, and then, FOR SOME REASON, decided to teabag the fuck out of it. But there's no social command for that, so I emoted it. I typed the whole goddamn thing out, because I wanted to teabag it THAT BADLY.

Fuck.

Also I was talking to Amy earlier, and I started a line with "gt". That's group tell, for those of you that have social lives. I was like "fuuuuuuuck". Yeah. That's my story. I'm cool like that.

Fuck man. Mordor. The game I used to write the name of on my hand every fuckin' day, the game I would always have on when I was on the internet, the game through which I met the first of my on-line girlfriends. And now I'm back. Well, it's not like I have a social life at this point that will suffer from it, so whatever.

I'm doing this blog post because Eric requested that one be done. I dunno what the fuck to talk about though.

Oh, Heath Ledger died. That's a bit fucked. Drug overdose.

Goddamn fucking celebrities. Fucking drug overdoses? Come on people. What a fucking lame way to go. 'cause not only do you look like a douche for having that many drugs, but you look like an idiot for takin' 'em all that the same time. Fuck!

If the new Batman movie suffers because of his death, I swear to God that I will dig that fucker up and corpse rape the SHIT out of his dead body. I'LL DO IT.

Soooooo yeah. I dunno what else to bitch about aside from that death and my renewed love of Mordor.

Uhhhmmmm.

Yeah. It's three something, and I'm pretty exhausted. Jared and I are probably gonna make one more run for XP, gain what we can, then sleep. I'm hoping to grab a couple more mage levels. I'm three levels away from Giant's Strength and Psionic Blast.

God I sound like a geek.

I'm fucking exhausted.

I'm done.

Until next time,
Oh, the fucking MEMORIES.
~Kataron

I Hate Crackdown

So, it's four twenty-four in the morning, and this nerd is completely filled with nerdiness. Cans are strewn everywhere, Coke, Dr. Pepper, *shudder* Diet Coke, and a couple Boo-Koos for good measure.

Rick and Jared are currently knee-deep in a Halo 3 match with Dave, who is playing from his house in Guelph, and Eric is playing Phoenix Wright on my DS. And doing quite well at it, I might add. So I decided to amp up the geek by blogging. So here we are.

This impromptu nerd session was...Well, as you can imagine from my use of the word impromptu, barely planned. I learned that Rick was planning on coming over like...the day before he did so, and he got here yesterday and is leaving tomorrow. Eric just kind of showed up today after suckering Chris into driving him.

SPEAKING of Chris, guess who fucked up his laptop? It was Chris! Guess HOW he fucked it up, and folks, this is the good part. He fucked his laptop up BY PLAYING WORLD OF WARCRAFT IN THE SHOWER. YES. I KNOW. WHAT THE FUCK. That shit is mad lolz. Mind you, it works again now, but for a time it wasn't working because he couldn't stop WoW long enough to bathe. Even ERIC takes time out to bathe. Mind you, that's usually when he doesn't have the internet, but still.

So last night Rick bought me a sub, then we watched Reign Over Me (it was my fifth time watching it. Once with Eric, once with Jared, once with Rick, and twice on my own.), which he of course loved. Especially the references to Shadow of the Colossus.

Then...Well, we played a bunch of Halo 3. I kind of forget where the evening went from there. girlJared came over, and then there were four of us, and then we stayed up until like three or something, and then we all went to sleep.

I awoke at one thirty, sat around doing computer shit for half an hour, then Rick woke up, and we hung around for a bit until Jared crawled out of bed. Then more hanging out, lots more Halo 3 on Live, after which we went to the store. To get Coke. And other shit, but I only cared about the Coke. Then everybody else went to Tim Horton's, and I just came back here...'cause I'm too picky for Tim Horton's. They were getting food, and pretty much all I'd eat at Tim Horton's are bagels and donuts. So I came back here and played Freelancer on ma lappy.

Oh, I got a laptop. lol. I should have mentioned that. I kind of stole my mom's old work laptop, since it's too shitty for them to bother asking for again, and they gave her a new one, so this one isn't even used now. It's battery connection is fucked, but if I can find a replacement battery and/or replacement power adapter, it should be fine. Even now it works pretty well. It's the best computer in the house, which is kind of sad. We've got like...four-five computers going right now, and this laptop is by far the best.

But that's not the point.

The point is that I was just arguing with Jared and Rick about the story of games like Grand Theft Auto. HOW CAN YOU PLAY THESE GAMES AND NOT GO THROUGH THE STORY?!

Okay, yeah, Grand Theft Auto is fun for you to just drive around and fuck with people and shoot them, but what's the point in bothering to play it if you're not going to go through the story? I mean, the story makes the game WORTH PLAYING. The missions are fucking designed to progress the story. And if you don't give a shit about the story, then it gives you the opportunity to do new things that you wouldn't otherwise get to do. Like stand on a rooftop and snipe black people while they fight with other black people. That's just awesome.

Or when you fly around remote helicopters with fucking bombs on them, and you blow people up.

AWESOMENESS.

But my point is that stories DRIVE games. What the fuck is the point of playing a game if you're going to make a point of ignoring the story?

That's why Crackdown blew such serious balls. It had no story to speak of. You were a cop, you had superpowers for some fucking reason, and there are criminals for you to shoot at. That's the ENTIRE FUCKING GAME. Your character gets better for some reason as you do random shit, and then you take down crime bosses. It's the same fucking thing every time. I got bored -watching- Crackdown.

Fuck Crackdown in the ass.

Anyways....I'll rant more on that when it's not five in the morning.

So yeah, then we watched like six episodes of Heroes, which was far too much Heroes, but they hadn't seen it, and I was mostly sitting here on MSN anyway.

I was talking with Amy for large portions of the time here as well. The other didn't seem to realize the fact that I wasn't paying attention to them or what we were watching, or them playing Halo 3. In fact, I was still talking with her until she went to bed around two hours ago.

Soooooooooo yeah. With the laptop, and its built-in WiFi, I can be on-line in the living room while watching tv or playing video games. Which basically means that I can be on MSN chatting with people while doing other shit. I'm quite fond of it.

Anyways, I don't know what else there is to say, and it's quarter past five in the morning, so I should end this now and move onto something else. Maybe sleep, maybe raping Eric, maybe murdering Jared and girlJared whilst they sleep.

Who knows.

But either way...

Until next time,
Crackdown sucks, none of you should ever play Crackdown, fuck Crackdown and all that it stands for, GAMES SHOULD HAVE STORY. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
~Kataron

The Last Cat

Hey there folks.

Nate's bored, and has about an hour to kill before returning to Kitchener, so it looks like it's blog post time. I considered a nice long relaxing bath instead, but considering my distinct lack of reading material in this house (that I haven't read and reread time and time again, that is), and I also remembered my caffeinated shower gel waiting for me in Kitchener. But the point is, blog post.

Now, I know that we're not to give fools like this our attention, and thus power over us, but I can't resist poking fun at this guy.

Penny-Arcade just bashed the guy, both in comic and in Tycho's eloquent prose, but I believe I shall attempt a more...crude method of rebutting him, although he must be used to such by now, what with the millions of gamers he's offended.

He was complaining about the video game Mass Effect. You know, the one that came out BACK IN NOVEMBER. The one in which gamers were getting ready for due to the "lesbian sex" that was to take place in it. This was well known before the game even came out, and now that it's been out for months, apparently descriptions of it have been greatly over exaggerated. The fool in question speaks of the game as though it is not a space adventure game, but a virtual sex simulator, where the entire point of the game is to get freaky with everybody.

He also claimed that it was marketed towards minors in particular, despite the game's M rating. The M rating which assures that it cannot be sold to anyone below the legal age.

Granted, there are ways of bypassing said age limitations, and some vendors don't ask for identification before they sell the game, BUT LET'S BE HONEST HERE FOLKS. The easiest way for a child to bypass the age restriction is to ask their parents to buy the game FOR them. Because parents just don't seem to give a shit these days. That's the problem.

But I've said ALL THAT SHIT before. So I'm not even going to go into it.

Instead, let's talk about Kevin McCullough. That's the idiot with the writing and the idiocy.

Honestly, why the fuck would you start bitching about a game so long after it's been released?

And why would you judge something based on Youtube videos of the aforementioned lesbian sex, when you haven't bothered to play the game at all?

He had a rebuttal for the fact that he hadn't played the game...Let's see if I can dig it up.

"The major criticism the Gamer-Nerds had for me in their reaction was this challenge: "Unless you've spent the 20 hours of game time it takes to get to the explicit scenes, keep your fat mouth shut!" Many challenges stated that unless I played it myself then I had no business pointing out its objectionably content. Would they say the same of a strip club at the end of their block or hookers knocking at their door? Normal people would not. There is an innate instinct that tells us right from wrong, it's called a conscience. Did I play the game? No. Did I talk to some gamers who had and who knew the possibilities of the game. Yes! Does it make the lesbian, alien, hetero, homo sex that a player arrives at in the game a proper thing for teenagers to be tantalized by? Absolutely not!"

Can somebody explain what the fuck he means by that? 'cause I just can't pick the point out of that paragraph.

The links are all on Penny-Arcade.

I'm almost tempted to comment on one of his articles or email him, but I'm sure everything's already been said. Everything, including the following:

"I hope someone hits you over the head with a dictionary, putting you into a coma. The financial strain on your family would eventually force your son to sell his video games. Your son would have to go several years without a father figure in his life, giving him a handful of psychological and emotional complexes.

Then, years later when you wake up from your coma, you find your son to be a full-blown adult. He lives far away now. You track him down to let him know that youre back. You meet up with his lovely friend Jim, whom he must blow for drug money. You try to change his ways, but he wont budge.

It all comes to a climax when he bludgeons you to death in a particularly heated argument. He then empties your pockets, strips you naked, sodomizes your corpse and uses his connections in the rough part of town to have your body dumped, leading Police to believe you picked up a tranny, were robbed, and then killed."

Yep.

That pretty much sums up anything I could have threatened. I like that he was hit by a dictionary, and that the son's friend has a name. It's attention to detail that really make me smile.

But I'm bored now.

And I should be leaving soon to return to K-town.

Until next time,
I AM ADVANCE WARS.
~Kataron

World Constitution

WHOA. I have a fucking BACKGROUND again! Delicious!

I just wanna lick it. I wonder what it tastes like. Probably tastes like screen. I wonder. Nah, I'm not gonna try it now. But later.

So, I've decided to make a Council Of Conjugated Kings to help me rule the world when I conquer it. Put those capitals together, I fucking DARE YOU, and form our delightful acroynym. It's much better than you.

COCK (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) will include:

Myself, OF COURSE, as the HEAD (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) of the group.

There'll also be Dave. He will hold some kind of hammer or cane, or something with a long pole. (HAHAHA, that one was less funny.)

Eric, but he'll have to wear a vest.

Jared, but he'll have to wear one of those hats that those dancing monkeys wear, and he'll only be able to talk if he's dancing at the time of his talking.

Rick, but we'll have to remove one of his eyes and replace it with some kind of angry-looking red thing. I'm not sure entirely what yet.

Ryan can be on the council, but he has to wear a hat at all times, or he'll be regarded as a stranger, a spy in our midst.

To balance it out with ladies, Rebecca can be in the council, and maybe Amy if she continues to prove to be awesome from now until when I rule the world. But they both have to dress like pirates. And when they talk, they have to end it with a phrase from their parrots, which will be fake.

Like...

"I agree with the proposition to end world hunger by killing people that keep complaining about it. SQUAWK, POLLY WANT A CRACKER."

Yeah. If they don't end it with that, we have to look at them disapprovingly until they finally give up and do it.

Oh, the above rules are for meetings only, as a note.

Okay, so Dave decided that we should write a World Constitution. I'm down with that. I was gonna rule the world on my own and just wing everything, but having a ruling council and a set of rules would make things a lot simpler.

RULE THE FIRST:

"Rules made up on the fly or existing rules changed on a whim must be obeyed under punishment of death, even if one rule contradicts another previous rule."

Yeah, I'm gonna be changing stuff a lot when I'm bored, so this rule is a must.

Rule 2:

"There will be no more male nudity in films. Keep your underpants ON, guys. Seriously."

I understand that this will make pornography very difficult to film, but there may be special licensing available for short bursts of male nudity, but their ratings are automatically changed to "Wangs Galore" if they obtain such a license.

Rule 3:

"Women will no longer be allowed to vote."

This would be really offensive to women, but it's just for fun. There won't be voting anymore, as I don't give a shit about the opinions of the unwashed masses. So calm down, feminists, and go not vote somewhere else. Same to you, Mexicans. I've got my eye on you.

Rule 4:

"The Enter key on the modern computer will be changed from 'Enter' to 'Penetrate', and whenever you hit the aforementioned key, the computer will moan, or make some kind of exclamation of ecstasy."

This would make computer classes SO MUCH MORE AWESOME.

Rule 5:

"If somebody has a funny accent, and another individual asks them to say a word that would sound funny when spoken in their accent, they are legally obligated to say that word. This can be repeated as many times as is necessary for maximum hilarity."

Yeah, we'll get somebody to make lists of funny words in different accents. It'll be great.

Rule 6:

"If there is something that a member of the Council of Conjugated Kings does not wish to do, someone else must do it for them."

Example!: "You there, come shake the remaining urine from my wang. Don't be shy now."

Granted, I probably won't do that 'cause that'd get super-uber-weird, but having the option available is very important to me.

Rule 7:

"Cancer research is now strictly prohibited, unless the research involves not curing the disease, but making the disease more awesome."

Such as cancer that gives you glow in the dark skin, or cancer that makes your hands constantly be in the "devil horns" position. All the while slowly eating you away from the inside.

Rule 8:

"The lower class of people, ie everybody not on the Council of Conjugated Kings, will not be referred to as a subject or a citizen, or any other normal means of description. They shall henceforth be our bitches."

Hells yeah.

Rule 9:

"All video game ideas will have to be approved by the Council of Conjugated Kings or their subsidiaries, The Eastern Scientific Torpedo Inventive Corporation Legendary Environment Society. Anyone that pitches a sports game idea without a character from Mario in it will be immediately shot in the groin."

That took freakin' forever to come up with. I'm pretty proud of myself.

Rule 10:

"Everyone will be forced to learn English and to forget their previous languages. This will prevent confusion on my end. Anyone caught uttering a word that isn't a comical swear in another language will be immediately kicked in the shin and glared at until they stop."

English FTW.

And that's pretty much all the rules I currently have.

I'll come up with more as the Council of Conjugated Kings helps me generate them.

I have some ideas for rules though, but they're pretty weird.

Like...

"Once a month all bitches (see rule 8) will be required to don full formal attire and speak in only riddles for an entire day."

or...

"Crocodiles will be regarded as a higher form of life than the French."

also

"Anyone that can tame a seagull or albatross will be given a medal, that they shall wear proudly from now until the end of days."

Yeah.

Ummm....Yes. So if you're on the Council of Conjugated Kings, then chime in with your ideas for the World Constitution! If you're not, then you probably should work harder. Tsk tsk.

Also there will be occasional meetings wherein we all dress as pimps. I'm looking forward to those.

Oh, and I'll definitely outlaw socks and sandals. I hate them so much.

For some reason I'm less angry than I was last night. That was a good rant. Tonight I think I'm going more for funny. But with a strange undertone that makes you wonder if I'm actually joking about any of this. You're wondering: Is he really insane?

TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO FIND OUT.

Until next time,
African Lion Safariiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!
~Kataron

Left For Dead

HOLY SHIT IT'S NATE!

And he's got...nothing to say? But he's still blogging! Look at him go! Letters! Letters become words! Words become SENTENCES! Sentences progress to paragraphs! And then the dogs are unleashed! Ah, the sport of extreme blogging, recently invented by Nate. The next round involves bears. So far, nobody's made it to round two.

Hey, participate in my new day! I call it "Third Person Thursday"! It's...Well, it's pretty self-explanatory. On Thursdays, you speak in the third person. And then KICK PEOPLE IN THE NUTS when they don't. Then write it off as a religious holiday or something.

Hey, didn't I try to start a religion once? No...Wait, I think that was a cult. Yeah, and I tried to harvest souls. I got quite a few from those bastards with their bots and their ads. I used to become irritated at them, but then realized that I could harvest their souls for the greater good of...Well, me. Come to think of it, I don't think I ever did anything with their souls. I probably have a jar of souls somewhere. Or maybe a tinfoil ball filled with them. I remember the soul ball. That was back when I went to Rockwood Centennial and thought that I was the greatest thing since sliced bread. Turns out I was right. But I was one FUCKED UP kid.

But look at me now! I'm fucking PERFECT now. Or at least, I will be once I get my bionic enhancements. Then I'm gonna pwn so many n00b bitches.

Sometimes a voice in my head talks to me. He's not very nice. Sometimes when I'm bored I talk back to him. He can play the guitar!

I wish I could play the guitar. I would get all the ladies.

But I don't have the attention span to learn something like that. Guitar Hero though, I can do.

Which, incidentally, is probably one of the most pathetic ideas for a game ever. I mean, the game is fun and all, but who out there decided "Hey, let's make a guitar game". They were probably Japanese. But it's just weird. Who knew it would be such a smash hit? And who knew DDR would be so awesome?

So apparently a woman sued her drug dealer for an overdose she had. And she won.

Fuck you, legal system. That's fucking ridiculous. That's like shooting yourself in the FACE and trying to sue the gun company posthumously. You know it's fucking dangerous. You know it could fucking kill you. And yet you do it.

It's like cigarettes. In older days, maybe you didn't know that it's gonna give you cancer. Now, you do. It's common knowledge. So people that start smoking do so with the full awareness that it's gonna fuck you up in the end. Hacking cough, yellow teeth, stained fingers, and then eventually cancer and death. That's what fucking happens. You don't get cancer and then sue the guy at the fucking convenience store that sold you the goddamn cigarettes, DO YOU?!

If you do, I swear to God, I'm gonna fucking shoot you. No fucking lie. My dad's got some guns. I don't think they work, but I'll make 'em work. Well, I think that antique rifle on the wall might be capable of firing a bullet. There's a spear-gun somewhere. I'll use that. And I will hunt you down and fire a fucking spear into you. And you'll be able to say NOTHING but "ah fuck, a spear, I was so stupid Nate, forgive me!", and I'll be like "Fuck that" and shoot them again. Then I'll do what video games taught me, and teabag the fuck outta them. But not by the real definition of the word, 'cause I think to do that for realz involves the removal of my pants. So I'll just do the Halo version. *CROUCH STAND CROUCH STAND CROUCH STAND BASH CORPSE CROUCH STAND* Ohhhhhhhh yeah. It'll be fucking awesome.

So that's a warning to you. Don't take up smoking and then sue the guy at the convenience store. But...uhhh...If you do, and you somehow survive my vicious attack on your person, and then go on to win your case, you owe me whatever your lawyer doesn't take. For this awesome legal advice I've just dispensed in the form of petty threats of spears and corpse humping.

But where was I...Oh yeah.

Fuck you, druggie lady that sued your dealer. He's going out of his way to provide you with illegal, addictive, and completely fucking dangerous drugs, and then you turn around and SUE HIM. Not cool. You're a fuckstick, and you KNEW it was fucking dangerous in the fucking first place, and still you did it. I hope you fall in a ditch and are too stupid to find your way out. Stupid bitch.

GRR.

So if I ran the country, I'd legalize drugs, but I'd also control the flow of them. You'd have to go to government regulated drug centres to collect your narcotics, and then pay tax on them. Anybody caught selling them outside of the drug centres is SHOT ON SIGHT. Also they would regulate your drug usage, so you wouldn't go around dying. And they'd also belittle you. And they'd be wearing suits and ties and sunglasses. You'd be buying your drugs from THE MAN.

And the drug centres would be closed on holidays, and all the hardcore druggies wouldn't get their precious drugs, and then they'd melt. Muaahahahahahahaha.

It's a foolproof plan, really.

Also if I ruled the world, poems that rhyme a word with itself would be outlawed by punishment of a public whipping and then immediate death. Because I HATE THAT. If you can't find a goddamn word that rhymes with it, PICK ANOTHER FUCKING WORD. Or don't write the fucking poem in the first place. Fuck! Fuck I say! I hate that so goddamn fucking much!

*deep breaths*

And that goes for songs too. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

Also there would be a uniform. For everybody. I mean, you always see those crappy old science fiction movies in which everybody in the future wears the same goddamn thing. Let's make that happen now! Of course, the uniforms will be hideous, and I'll never wear one, 'cause I'll be decked out like M. Bison, of Street Fighter. Booyah to the max.

Also there would be no more video games based on sports. Unless they're comically ridiculous, like Megaman Soccer for the SNES. Or any of the Mario sports games. Those were just fun. But no more of that fucking sports madness that people get so fucking into. It's fucking stupid, people. If you want to play sports, go out and fucking play them. It's fuckers like you that have made video games cool. And now JUST FUCKING LOOK AT THE GAMES THAT ARE BEING PRODUCED. THEY ARE SHIT. AND IT IS YOUR FAULT, SPORTS GAMES FANS! AND YOU, EA! FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU RIGHT IN YOUR CORPORATE BUTTHOLE. FUCK YOU AND YOUR STUPID SPORTS GAMES, I HOPE EVERY ONE OF YOUR EMPLOYEES CONTRACTS FUCKING LEPROSY AND YOU DIE AND THEN YOUR COMPANY BUILDING EXPLODES FOR SOME REASON. BECAUSE FUCK YOU.

*deep breath*

Fucking sports games.

*deep breath*

Also in my future paradise, we will live in domes. Why, you ask? Is out atmosphere poisoned, barren, and without the ability to support life? Well, that's what I'll tell you fuckers! But really, the world will be fine. I'll just fuck up the areas right outside the domes so you bitches won't notice. It's all part of my three-pronged master plan to get rid of sunlight. But you'll believe me. Because I'll be dressed like M. Bison, and he's awesome.

What the fuck does the M stand for?

I don't even know. I don't even fucking know, man. Fuck, I didn't even see it on his wiki. It just stands for M.

But I'm getting distracted. I'm talking about my perfect future.

I'd genetically fuck around with a some DNA or some shit like that to make real life Chocobos. Then I'd ride 'em around everywhere. Then I'd get pissy if gold ones couldn't go over the ocean, all super fast and shit. That'd be pretty sweet.

Also, all bartenders of the female persuasion would have to change their names to Tifa. They can use whatever last names they want, to keep things interesting, but the first name has to be Tifa.

And people that play bards in RP stuff will have to wear a shirt that says something insulting about them. Overtop of their uniform, of course. Sorry Andrew, but I just plain dislike bards.

And also there will be cake. And all will be well.

Unless you violate one of my many laws. Then there shall be no cake. Well, maybe some cake. But first deadly neurotoxin. If you survive that, then cake. Then more deadly neurotoxin. The cycle continues until you die or I get bored and shoot you. So either way you die. And I live. Because I'll be dressed like M. Bison.

Well, I don't know what the fuck is going on anymore, so I'm done for the night.

Until next time,
And Yoshis. I will breed myself a Yoshi. That'll be awesome. Just picture it. A guy dressed like M. Bison riding around on a dinosaur. Epiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiic.
~Kataron

Addictive Personalities

And then...THERE WAS NATE.

I mean...Hey.

You know what pisses me off?

When I go to bed early (two thirty) 'cause I think I have to get up and do something, but then I wake up ten hours later and find out that I don't. That's irritating. Had I known that I wouldn't have to wake up, I would have stayed up hours later. And there would have been cake!

...No, there would not have been cake.

So I hung out with Rebecca yesterday, that was fun. We beat Portal. It was awesome. Then we watched Fern Gully. I don't know if you bitches remember how awesome Fern Gully is, but here are a few of the cast members:

Robin Williams
Tim Curry
Christian Slater
Cheech
Chong
And THIS black guy

Yeah. It pwns.

Then today we watched Rent. I didn't really want to, but I also didn't want to sit around all afternoon playing flash games. So I went over there and watched it. It didn't quite suck, although. I was surprised at that. They sang a lot. And a bunch of them were dying. And gay. And the ending just sucked. I thought it was ending like three times before it actually ended, and then when it did I was like "well, that was a shitty ending".

And then I grew wings and had to fight a minotaur. WHOA. True story.

On the way back from Rebecca's house, I just randomly sprouted some wings. I was like WTF! They started out being like...feathery angel wings, but then I was like "aw, hell no", and then they turned all cool, like bat wings, the kind where the skin is all stretched out and it looks epic. So I was like "wheeee!" and I started flying around. For some reason, I found myself with night vision. So I was flying around, and then I saw this thing in the soccer field at the school. So I was like "a'ight, I'ma check that shit out", so I flew down there, and there was a minotaur. So I asked him what was up, and then he CHARGED AT ME. I was like "ohhhhh shiiiiiiit", and dived out of the way, and everything was in slow motion, it was AWESOME. Then everything sped up again, and it was like "aww...dang". So I said "Dude, wtf?" and he charged at me again.

So now I'm pissed, right?

So while he charges at me again, I jump up in the air and spread my wings real big, and flap a few times to get lift-off. So I'm flying above him, and he's running around in circles, and he's all mad for some reason, so I decide to swoop down and tap him on the head. That got him more mad. And made me laugh. So I did it again. Now the minotaur is running around faster, 'cause he's pissed and wants me to come down so he can gore me. So I touch down in front of the school, and he charges up, and he looks like he's all ready to gore me, and then he stops.

And he says, "Dude, I see that wall behind you. You're going to make me gore you, and then you're gonna move, and I'm gonna hit a wall."

And I was like, "Dude, no way!"

And he said, "I may be a mythical half man half bull, but I'm not fucking retarded?"

And I said to him, I said, "Bitch, you got a FAT ASS."

And then the fucker tried to gore me.

So I yelled "PSYCH!" and flew into the air, and he crashed right into a wall.

At this point, I came back home and chilled out on MSN, talking with Amy and playing a weird flash game called Sonny. Then I went to bed.

I think that's pretty much all I have in me at this point.

Until next time,
Fuckin' hairy minotaur bastards. With their...Horns and shit. Yeah. Fuck 'em.
~Kataron

Genetic Explosion

Greetings, oh readers of the blog.

And some guy in California who found my blog by searching for Jack Thompson on some kind of blog search. How you doin'?

Anyways, it appears Nate will be returning to Rockwood again for a few days, starting tomorrow and ending...I dunno, Monday or Tuesday. Depending on when I can get a ride back.

I just got back from a meeting with the employment guy, Murray, at Lutherwood. He's pleasant. And I've got a few good prospects for jobs. Hurrah! I'm meeting with him again when I get back, and if all goes well, I'll have a job by the end of the month. Then I'll have money. Money to buy guns. Money to fuel my war on those that have wronged me. I'm looking at you, Bob.

Or...You know, rent, food, and coke. With the occasional zombie-style item thrown in there. Probably war though. I'm in the mood for a good war.

OR I could start a war on the war on terror. What would that be? TERROR. I could get a mask and scare children. Fill then with TERROR.

Oh, so I was on the bus on the way back here from that meeting, and there was a woman with a baby. It reminded me how much I HATE BABIES. Lazy little bastards. They never do anything. They just cry and poop. Cry and poop. And if it's doing neither of those things....If the baby is NEITHER CRYING NOR POOPING, then it is plotting the downfall of mankind as we know it. Anybody remember that fucking terrible movie, Baby Geniuses? That movie sucked BALLS. But picture those babies, but evil. That's what we've got on our hands. Which is why babies should be rapidly aged by means of unstable growth hormones to the point where they can be functional members of society. We'll just get rid of children altogether. Their lives will START in their awkward teen phase. Just to make 'em suffer. And we'll put 'em on an island for some reason.

SO I DON'T HAVE TO HEAR THEM CRY ON THE BUS. It wouldn't have been so bad, but my iPod died, so I was forced to listen to the little fucker, and he was sitting right next to me. I wanted to give him a thermal detonator to play with and then leap off the bus in an epic fashion. Unfortunately, I used my last thermal detonator on Jared's dress shoes earlier today. He hasn't noticed yet. Sucka.

And you know what else pisses me off still?

The goddamn Rebels. STOP REBELLING AND GIVE IN TO THE EMPIRE. They only want what's best for you. And what's best for you is you being completely goddamn subservient or you get SHOT. That's what's freaking best for you. So stop it.

Speaking of Star Wars, what the FUCK. Yoda and Darth Vader are apparently in the new Soul Calibur game. Is this good? Is this bad? I don't even fucking know. It's basically the same as Link/Heihachi/Spawn from the last installment of the game, where they were exclusive to the various systems that they were on. And then there was Spawn on the Xbox for some reason. Was there a Spawn game? I don't even know.

Vader's gonna be exclusive to the PS3, and Yoda's gonna be on the 360. Is this some kind of veiled attempt at showing which company is good, and which is evil? I'm thinking yes.

Which makes me laugh, because I used to be all for the PS2 and all against the Xbox. And now how the tables have turned. I will always, ALWAYS love Nintendo though.

And now I'm growing bored, and food has materialized beside me, so I'm going to indulge myself in it. And some Coke. It will be glorious.

Until next time,
I love my fake moustaches. So much.
~Kataron

Irrational Phobia

It's three in the morning! Is it a good idea to do a three in the morning blog post? Rarely! Has that never stopped me? Never!

So, what should I talk about...

I've accomplished virtually nothing in the past few days. I'll wake up, roll over, be on the computer for a while, and then eventually get dressed, and I usually at that point get back in bed and be in my computer for a while longer.

I have watched a lot of movies though. Today in particular. I started with Enemy of the State, the classic Will Smith vs. the government in a massive conspiracy movie. I love it intensely.

Then I watched 3:10 to Yuma, which had a GREAT cast.

Christian Bale, Russell Crowe, ALAN TUDYK WAS IN IT, and it had Ben Foster. Ben Foster being the angel dude in X3. And some of you might recognize him as that creepy-ass stranger in 30 Days of Night, the guy that appears and heralds the destruction of the entire town? Yeah, the one with the insanely fucked up voice. He was -awesome- in this movie. Downright fucking BADASS. And there's a horse that fucking EXPLODES.

Watch it. It pwned. Seriously. I made Jared watch it, he loved it to. But the important thing is that I enjoyed it.

Then I watched Pride and Prejudice with Amy. And by "with Amy", I mean she watched it, and I watched it, and we talked on MSN while we watched it. I'd never seen it before. It was disturbingly good. I normally don't do the whole "chick flick" thing, being so manly and all, but I figured I'd give it a shot. And it was really good. The constant commentary and banter between Amy and I certainly helped. So yeah, that was good.

Especially after my night got crappier when Kristina decided to unblock me again to remind me she wanted her games back. It wasn't a pleasant conversation. She also said I shouldn't mention her ever again on my blog. But since Nate's not in the habit of censoring himself, that's certainly not going to happen. Granted, once I get those two crappy games back to her, I'll hopefully have no reason to mention her at any point in the future. But seriously, don't tell me what not to put on my blog. I won't say anything mean on here, but I'm not censoring myself, not for you.

ANYWAYS.

Fuck. Now it's four thirty in the morning.

So I've developed a new fear. Remember not long ago, I was talking about how much I love bears? Well, now I'm afraid of them. I fear to tread out my door. There are BEARS out there. Bears that want to eat me. Also there are zombie bears. And bears with cybernetic enhancements. Those are the scariest bears of all. Can you imagine a fucking bear coming at you with a buzz saw for a hand? That is some scary shit!

Holy fuckshit now it's six in the morning I'm exhausted and need sleep.

Until next time,
Always remember, you must adequately protect your junk in a bear attack. Yogi may have liked picinic baskets, but real bears love junk. They go CRAZY for it. It's fucked up.
~Kataron

Expletive Deleted

Hey there folks. I returned about sixish hours ago from hanging out with Scott. I was supposed to have a meeting with that work guy again, but I rescheduled 'cause my stomach wasn't feeling particularly grand. It's probably because I've eaten nothing but KFC since Saturday. Which I think is awesome.

But anyways, I caught a bus down to his place, bought some fake moustaches (The Sheriff's back n town, bitches), and then hung out at his place. Met his roommates. There was Brian. He had sideburns, but not....crazy-thick ones? I dunno. I think I may have met him before, he seemed very familiar. But also maybe no, so who knows. Then there was Paul, whom I didn't really get much of a chance to speak with. And there was also Anthony, who was hilarious. I also met their friend Anna, a cute girl that I guess lives somewhere near them? I dunno.

Oh, that necklace thing that I ordered came in. I'm probably going to give it to Simone as a late birthday present, but I don't know the next time she'll be around, so in the meantime, I'll just wear it myself, 'cause it's awesome. Plus it looks awesome in the dark.

Um. Yeah, I got to Scott's, saw his new place, met his roommates, and got Christmas gifts. One to just me, which is a Resident Evil shirt with a shotgun on the front and a caption reading "zombie repellent". It's a bit too small for me, but I found that if I wear it with a dress shirt overtop, it looks okay. Also he gave me a bottle of Shower Shock, caffeinated shower gel. When I say he gave ME said bottle, it was a gift to both Jared and I. I applied a bit of it to my neck the other night for a caffeine boost before we bought a case of Coke, and it seemed effective enough, and made me smell all minty and nice.

It's only a matter of time before I give in to temptation and use it on my junk. Caffeine applied directly to the genitals? Who knows what will happen! It's for science. The fate of the world itself may rest in my hands.

But anyways.

I played a lot of Super Mario Galaxy. A LOT OF IT. Scott had all 120 stars, while the other three files had 11, 8, and 8, respectively. I started my file on Monday night, and played on Tuesday as well, and in the end I had 57 stars. Shit, I was three stars away from fighting Bowser at the end of the game, and I hadn't defeated all of the other bosses yet. But I could do that, because I am awesome. And rest assured, I am awesome. I kicked that game's ass so hard I sent it crying for it's mother. Bosses, felled on the first try, without taking damage. Puzzles, just outright pwned by me as I burst through them. It was my first time playing anything but the crappy second player who only shoots star bits, but I took to the game like...a jew to accounting? I dunno, some kind of analogy like that.

When I got stuck in the game though, I got insanely frustrated. The kind of insanely frustrated I get when I burst off into random tangents where I string together various unrelated curse words. Usually something like "Fuck ass ball shit!" or "goddamn fucking cock jew bastards!". Yeah, I'd throw in the word Jew every now and then to mix things up. That wasn't even the racist stuff I was saying. That was just mean. But I get...emotional? When I play video games.

Especially when they piss me the fuck off.

Okay, there I was, minding my own business. I get a secret little area. There's a robot. He says "Lots of garbage here. And some bombs. Wanna blow up the garbage for me?" so I'm like "Sure" and he's like "30 seconds...GO!" and I'm like "wait a minute, I'm fucking helping you, why are you imposing an arbitrary time limit on me, you tiny mechanical douchebag?". Twenty goddamn minutes I was stuck on that, before I had Scott bail me out. And that was the ONLY thing I could not do on my own in the game. Everything else, I pwned hardcore. But FUCK. I mean, I understand the game needing to make it challenging with a time limit, but from a logical perspective here, I mean it's not like you're going to tell your friend "Hey, buddy, wanna help me carry out some garbage bags?" and then when they say "Okay", you yell "THIRTY SECONDS, GO!" and run off to perform the task. That's just fucking not how it's done.

So fuck you, tiny robot. I would have simply blown you up and taken the star by force if I had the option. So consider yourself lucky.

I also watched Scott and his roommates play Rockband. It was pretty awesome. Much better than Guitar Hero if you can get enough people together. But the four of them living there, it's pretty much perfect. Paul on guitar, Anthony on bass, Brian on drums, and Scott doing vocals. It was disturbingly fun to watch. I quite enjoyed myself.

Then today we went to the card shop and I picked up a few cards for my Rakdos deck. I got one out of two Rakdos Pit Dragons I need (Fuck, five dollars per card!), one out of four Jagged Poppets (only a buck a piece), and both Hit/Run cards that I wanted (also a buck a piece). But shit, that Pit Dragon was more expensive than my Rakdos the Defiler card. But it's pretty awesome, so it's worth it.

Then I hopped on a bus back here, and...Well, came back here. Since then I've spent large portions of the evening working on stuff for Tales of Rusitu Maitas, which is finally ready for RP!

I've been applying for my old characters again. I've got three of them applied for so far, and a few more to go.

I decided to make Kataron a Dragon for no reason. He's not a Dragon. But his race says he is. And in his appearance, after I describe his generic human form, I add something like "Oh and he's a Dragon now for some reason. Who knew". But yeah. I've got him applied for, as well as my Lycanthrope (werewolf), and my Drow. And there's a little Kobold somewhere named Boner the Destroyer that I made for testing purposes. He had a comical thread in which he attempted to get an education. Silly Boner.

People already seem to be taking quite an interest in the board, and that pleases me. We've already got ten different characters accepted from six different players. Myself, Jared, Ryan, Seth, Rick, and Amy. With more players on their way. I love a good fantasy RP. And the fact that the site looks so damn good, I'm sure that helps matters.

So, I presume you guys have heard of the fuckwit that's suing Microsoft?

He's suing for FIVE MILLION DOLLARS because Xbox Live was down a lot over the Christmas break.

I say suck it the fuck up, you pussy ass little bitch. Boo fucking hoo, you can't get on Halo and be a fucking little n00b and piss off the other players, big fucking deal. What the hell is wrong with people? This is fucking AFTER Microsoft apologized for it and said that they would be giving everybody with Live a free downloadable game. They realized that their servers were going down, but that's only because they had so goddamn many new players trying to get in there and play all at the same time. I'm sure that they took precautions to try to avoid this (they're not idiots, after all), but obviously it wasn't enough. And so what, you couldn't get on Live for a while. Do you really have nothing else to do? Halo 3 has a single player campaign, you know. Or do you know? A lot of people I've seen on Live don't even have the fucking achievements from going through the single player campaign. SO DO THAT. Or play a goddamn single player game. Or go do something productive. Shit, people, it's not rocket science.

And what the FUCK makes you think that your lost time on Live merits FIVE MILLION DOLLARS? What the fuck were you going to do on there that's so goddamn valuable? Were you making a big drug deal? Were you getting a contract to assassinate the president? OR WERE YOU JUST BEING A PUSSY ASS LITTLE BITCH AND GETTING YOUR ASS PWNED ON LIVE. My guess? The last one.

So fuck you and your stupid goddamn lawsuit. You should hire Jack Thompson to represent you. He hasn't been in the media much, and frankly I can't picture another lawyer STUPID ENOUGH to take on your case. But you've probably found one, which saddens me on behalf of the American legal system. SHAPE UP.

My God, what's next? Are people going to be suing World of Warcraft when the servers are overloaded with people, or shut down for maintenance? I didn't see anybody sue anybody over Star Wars: Galaxies when that travesty first came out. And I was fucking there. I was there the first day, went with Mitch to get his copy, sat around while he installed it, and spent THE REST OF THE FUCKING DAY TRYING TO LOG IN. But did we sue? Hell no.

Now I'm all agitated, but tired because I didn't sleep well last night. So I'm gonna go try to get to sleep while fantasizing about brutally murdering the fuckwit that decided to sue Microsoft.

Until next time,
Behold, my caffeinted wang!
~Kataron

The Bomb

So I was pretty dang proud when I realized that I'd used the word fuck over three thousand times since the creation of my blog. So proud that I called some people to let 'em know. Dave's mom kinda heard me on the phone though. That was a bit awkward.

AND HILARIOUS.

But seriously folks, I noticed like...trends and shit when I was looking up the word. Some months, I barely fucked AT ALL. Hahaha, that sounds dirty. Awesome. But yeah, since I created that OTHER blog to bitch about shit on, I found myself swearing less. LESS mind you. I never found a single month where the word fuck wasn't uttered at least once. Which, incidentally, is AWESOME. I mean, shit. I've been doing this for over three goddamn years, and I haven't been a month without saying the word fuck?

I think it shows how much I HAVEN'T matured. Because I've been too busy being FUCKING AWESOME.

I'm thinking of having a party when the count reaches five thousand. I'll probably be too lazy to keep track of it though, so I'll just make a guess and have the party then. Jared's girlfriend (whose name I still refuse to type, even though apparently it IS normal and she just likes to spell it weird, but god dammit, when I commit to something stupid, I fucking stand BY THAT STUPID IDEA.) decided that the party should be called a "fuckfest". To attempt to trick people. I'm all for the idea. I'm gonna get a cake. I'm going to see if they'll write the word on it. You know what word I'm talking about. Fuck. That's the word. I'll see if they'll write it on my cake. That'd be pretty sweet.

So yeah. Um...I went to a job thing at a place on Friday. It went pretty well. My mom came down and drove me there, 'cause I'm too lazy to do shit on my own. She also brought me cookies. I fucking love cookies.

...The rest of that day is pretty much a blur. I think it went well, but I have no idea. The last thing I remember is drinking a Boo-Koo and playing a bunch of Samurai Warriors. I may have been talking to the video game.

Then on Saturday, Kate came down! It was good to see her again before she left for...That place where she lives. We hung out, spent a very long deciding what we were going to do, and ended up going to the mall. The mall is also a blur to me. I vaguely recall going into at least one store. I'm not sure if anybody bought anything. I spent a bunch of money on some KFC, 'cause I love chicken. There's still chicken in my fridge. I had it for dinner last night. And tonight. It'll probably be lunch tomorrow, too. Because it's DELICIOUS.

Then we ended up back here....Watched an episode of The OC for some reason. Watched various clips on Youtube of a man putting things into a blender. Ate some cake. Then we watched Two and a Half Men. Then Jared and girlJared went somewhere. I forget where. Then Kate left. Then Nate was all alone. I believe at this point I drank another Boo-Koo, and the evening becomes a blur.

SOMEBODY IS IN MY HOUSE.

*finger guns*

FUCK ASS BALL COCK SHIT FAGGOT JEW ASS...Shit, I already said ass, didn't I? FUCK, now the whole goddamn phrase is gone.

It was Jared. Douchebag fingergunned me down before I could get him. Revenge will be mine though.

Anyways, that's all I remember of last night.

Then today I woke up...Um...I dunno, I probably did some shit. I'm guessing Samurai Warriors. Then I probably watched some tv. Then Jared and girlJared went somewhere real fast. Then I was here alone.

Then I remembered that I was supposed to go chill with Scott tonight. But due to a combination of poor planning, laziness, and the fact that it's a Sunday night, the plan fell through. Jared saw him though I guess. I'll see him tomorrow. He just moved into a new place in Waterloo or somethin'. For school. I'm gonna try to conquer Waterloo, I think. I'm gonna need a cannon or somethin'.

I haven't gone outside today.

And god dammit, I am FINE with that. Outside has bears, nazis, and people that end every sentence by raising their voice slightly, and then you don't know if they're asking you a question or not. I'M SAFE INSIDE. Well, as safe as an energy-drink addict with a fridge full of chicken can be.

I now haven't spoken with Kristina at all in over a week, since last Friday when she unblocked me to tell me she wanted her games back. I still have them. They're sitting in a bag on a table, next to three Magic: The Gathering decks, a small silver flask, and a sixty dollar copy of Beauty and the Beast. I just haven't bothered to bring them back yet. She told me to call her when I got back to Kitchener, which I obviously didn't do. I'd say that the ball is in her court, but it's not, really. It's in my court. I just don't care. I would fear for the safety of my copy of Luminous Arc, but really, I didn't buy the game. Rick did. And if she did do anything to it, she just wouldn't get her games back. Or that weird mic thing. I'd never PLAY them, but I'd have them.

But you know what, I'm over this whole thing, so I'm gonna stop talking about it now.

In related news, fuck you Alyssa. I'm guessing it was you that googled "Kataron Alyssa", because why would anybody else do that? So, drop in to see if I said anything mean about you? I did. 'cause you were a bitch.

Hey, you know what's weird? I saw somebody that looked like her in a pornographic video on the internet. WEIRD.

Also, hi Sarah! Somebody found my blog by searching for Kataron on google.co.uk, and I don't think anybody else in England knows who the fuck I am.

God I love Sitemeter. And chicken. IT'S DELICIOUS.

Oh, and since I don't think I blogged about it, hanging out with Ben and Matt was fun. Except SOMEBODY (BEN) FORGOT TO BRING HACKERS. We were HACKERLESS. We did, however, watch Antitrust and Pirates of Silicon Valley, both of which are good movies. And an episode of Star Trek: TNG for some reason. And we played a BUTTLOAD of Guitar Hero 3. That was a first for me, and by the end of it I didn't completely suck, although whenever I messed up (which was often, considering that this went on until about six in the morning), I would emit a high-pitched yelping noise. I do that sometimes.

Um...Shit, was there anything else I wanted to blog about? I dunno. I shoulda done some shit this weekend, but didn't. But that's pretty much every day for me. I am fucking LAZY. And that's all right, I've come to terms with that.

I'm starting to think that maybe I should cut down on the caffeine consumption though. I'm pretty sure it's literally going to kill me one day. Or at least play a large role in my death.

I won't cut back though. I'm weak. And talking about cutting back right now made me want to get up and get a can of Coke, which I'm only not doing as a result of extreme laziness. Actually, I probably drink less now than I do when I'm forced to actually do stuff. 'cause here, I'm generally too lazy to just get up and get one. I don't think I had any Coke until at least evening tonight, simply due to the fact that I didn't want to move out of my way to get any.

Of course, when I did start drinking it, I downed about three cans in fairly rapid succession.

WHOA, I completely forgot I was writing this.

Just trying to get shit figured out for tomorrow, I've got an appointment with a guy about a work thing tomorrow at two, and then I'm gonna chill with Scott.

I'm pretty psyched.

But I'm gonna wrap this up before I forget I'm writing it again.

Until next time,
I really need to get the background back on here...I'll figure that out this week.
~Kataron

Holy BALLS!

Ladies and gentlemen!

Today is a monumental day for Katablog. For you see, I have been bored. And as such, I decided to TALLY UP MY SWEARS! By which I mean counting EVERY SINGLE TIME I have used the word fuck on this blog.

Keeping in mind that I've had this blog since September of 2004.

Also I'm a very angry man. And opinionated. And narcissistic. But enough about me.

TO DATE (counting the one right up there), from my hurried, caffeinated counting, I HAVE DISCOVERED THAT I HAVE USED THE WORD FUCK....

Drum roll, please!

*drum roll*

Thank you.

I HAVE USED THE WORD FUCK,

3207 times!

That's 4.2 fucks per post!

And that's not even counting my OTHER blog. The fucking on this one really dropped off when I made a hidden one to bitch in. THAT blog has the word fuck appearing 556 times over 106 posts. Whoa!

God DAMN folks, I sure do swear a lot.

That's...Pretty much all I wanted to tell you.

Yeah!

Until next time,
The count is now 3210.
~Kataron

Passion

Question.

When THE FUCK did Boxing Day become Boxing Fucking Week? What the FUCK is up with that? I thought that the whole point of the goddamn day was to have things cheaper right after Christmas 'cause less people would want to come to the store. Now they've made it an entire fucking week and shattered my entire goddamn conception of reality.

And this year is the first I've heard of it, too. Last year, if I recall, it was still just done day. BUT NO.

Who the FUCK has the authority to make a decision like this? Did the stores just come together and have a discussion about it, and make the decision all on their own? Or did some higher fucking power decide that one day was not enough?! WHAT WAS IT?! I don't know, and it's driving me fucking CRAZY.

You know, that and the fact that I've got a lot of pent-up rage and no outlet to effectively release it, so I swear about things that mean little to nothing to me on this blog.

But that doesn't change the fact that this is bullshit. And it's pissing me off. One fucking day, people. IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE ONE GODDAMN DAY.

The next time I hear the phrase "Boxing Week", I'm gonna snap and kill Jared. Probably just with finger-guns (we've been having A LOT of mock gunfights lately), but still. It's infuriating!

And you know who I still hate?

Kathryn. I'm pretty sure that if she'd had the chance, she would have used a combination of different date-rape drugs on Dave. But the combination would go wrong, and he'd end up in a coma! Gasp! The drama!

Err...Getting sidetracked.

I also hate dogs that go outside and just fucking bark at shit when I'm trying to sleep. Fucking dogs!

And fuck my neighbours from across the street. Those fuckers were out there on New Year's Eve at random points spread out over four hours after the new year began, lightning fireworks and blowing some stupid fucking horn. What the fuck. The fireworks, I get. But WHY would you stand outside blowing into a fucking horn for fifteen minutes, only to disappear inside for an hour and then come back and do it again?! What the fuck is wrong with you? I wanted to set them all on fire and watch them burn and try to put themselves out in the snow. If they succeeded, I would have set them on fire again.

It'd be like this:

"AHHHH I'M ON FIRE!"
*rolls in snow to put fire out*
*Nate lights on fire again*
"AHHHH I'M ON FIRE!"
*rolls in snow to put fire out*
*Nate lights on fire again*
"AHHHH I'M ON FIRE!"
*rolls in snow to put fire out*
*Nate lights on fire again*
"AHHHH I'M ON FIRE!"
*rolls in snow to put fire out*
*Nate lights on fire again*
*and so on*

Yay infinite loops!

So to sum that rant up, FUCK YOU NEIGHBOURS.

I'm having some friends over tonight for the nerdiest marathon this side of Japan. That may be a slight exaggeration, but we're gonna get our Hackers and Antitrust and some other nerd-movie on. MMM. YEAH.

And then we're gonna play some Wii, and I'll show the fellas exactly why I'm the goddamn Sheriff 'round these parts.

And I'm finally getting that fuckin' cake. I'm pretty psyched for that.

Oh, and it was probably Jared's birthday yesterday. Happy belated etc.

Until next time,
FUCK. I wanna play Mordor again.
~Kataron

New Year's Resolutions

Why the fuck do people bother with new year's resolutions? It's a stupid concept. Oh, it's a new year, let's make false promises to ourselves about how we're going to live our lives! Yeah, 'cause you can't do that at any other point of the year.

What, you're going to look back on the year, pick out all the things you did wrong, and then set a plan into motion to fix them? That your new year's resolution?

Or are you one of those idiots with a resolution like "I want to lose weight" or "I want to cut back on *insert vice here*"?

Man, fuck that shit. It's one fucking night, it doesn't mean a goddamn thing, and trying to make a decision to base the next year on is just fucking ridiculous.

What makes you think that you'll actually go through with your stupid idea? What, because the yearly odometer is turning over? Fuck that.

There is a pointless phenomenon that our society has indulged in for far too long. Every year, people make stupid resolutions that they think might improve their lives or make them better people. well, I'm here to put a stop to that. Through harsh criticism!

So let me say this in a way you'll understand.

If you've made a new year's resolution that is anything more than a lighthearted mockery of resolutions (ie. I resolve to eat more cake. Or...I resolve to pwn more n00bs.), then you are an idiot and should be shot and prevented from reproducing ever.

That's pretty much all I have to say right now.

So fuck new year's resolutions, and fuck you if you've made one.

Until next time,
Zombies are eating my mind.
~Kataron